Human beings are remarkably good at noticing what is happening.
We're not always quite as good at figuring out why it's happening.
We notice the argument.
We notice the bad habit.
We notice that we're procrastinating again, snapping at everybody, avoiding something, feeling jealous, getting overwhelmed, or repeating the same damn pattern we promised ourselves we were finished with three years ago.
Those are the things we can see.
But sometimes they're only the surface.
Underneath them may be fear, exhaustion, insecurity, grief, frustration, an unmet need, an old expectation, or simply a problem we haven't understood yet.
And until we understand what's underneath something, changing what appears on the surface can be surprisingly difficult.
Our Brains Are Always Looking for the Why
Human brains are pattern-seeking machines.
We don't just notice events. We try to connect them.
What caused that?
Why did this happen?
Why does this keep happening?
What am I missing?
That instinct has been enormously useful throughout human history. Understanding causes helps us predict what might happen next.
If a certain cloud formation usually arrives before a storm, that's useful information. If an animal behaves differently when danger is nearby, that's useful too. If eating a particular plant repeatedly makes everybody sick, eventually somebody is going to suggest we stop putting the damn thing in the soup.
Finding patterns helps us learn.
But things become more complicated when the thing we're trying to understand is ourselves.
The First Explanation Isn't Always the Whole Explanation
Imagine two people arguing about dirty dishes.
Technically, they're arguing about dishes.
But maybe one person is really upset because they feel taken for granted.
Maybe the other person has been overwhelmed for weeks and doesn't know how to say it.
Maybe they've had the same argument seventeen times, and now the sink has become a symbol for everything neither of them has actually talked about.
Or maybe somebody just needs to wash the damn dishes.
That's important too.
Looking beneath the surface doesn't mean inventing a profound psychological explanation for everything that happens.
Sometimes tired means tired.
Hungry means hungry.
Annoyed means somebody is being annoying.
Understanding ourselves isn't about making everything deeper than it is.
It's about being willing to ask whether there's more going on when the obvious explanation doesn't quite explain the whole thing.
Emotions Often Carry Information
We tend to divide emotions into categories like good and bad.
Happiness is good.
Anger is bad.
Confidence is good.
Fear is bad.
But emotions can also be viewed as information.
Fear may be telling us that something feels unsafe or uncertain.
Anger may appear when we believe a boundary has been crossed or something is unfair.
Jealousy might point toward insecurity, fear of loss, comparison, or something we deeply want ourselves.
Sadness may tell us that something mattered.
That doesn't mean every emotion accurately describes reality, and it certainly doesn't mean every feeling should immediately become an action.
Feeling angry doesn't automatically mean someone has wronged us. Feeling afraid doesn't automatically mean we're in danger.
But instead of immediately trying to get rid of an uncomfortable emotion, sometimes it helps to ask:
What is this trying to tell me?
Our Reactions Can Have Roots
Sometimes our reaction to something seems much larger than the thing that happened.
A small criticism ruins the entire day.
A delayed text suddenly feels like rejection.
A minor mistake produces enormous embarrassment.
Someone says one sentence and somehow manages to push a button the size of a dinner plate.
When that happens, it can be worth getting curious.
Maybe the present situation touched an old insecurity.
Maybe it reminded us of another experience.
Maybe we're already stressed, exhausted, or carrying ten other things, and this was simply number eleven.
The point isn't to interrogate ourselves every time we get irritated.
It's simply to notice when the size of the reaction makes us wonder whether something else might be underneath it.
Habits Usually Do Something for Us
Habits are another place where looking beneath the surface can be useful.
We often try to change behavior by attacking the behavior itself.
Stop procrastinating.
Stop scrolling.
Stop avoiding.
Stop buying things you don't need.
Stop staying up too late.
And sometimes a straightforward change works.
But stubborn habits often survive because they're doing something for us.
Procrastination might temporarily help us avoid anxiety about failing.
Endless scrolling might provide distraction when our brains are exhausted.
Staying constantly busy might prevent us from sitting quietly with thoughts we'd rather not hear.
If we only remove the behavior without understanding what purpose it was serving, the need underneath it may still be there.
That's when the brain has an annoying tendency to find another way to meet it.
Understanding the root doesn't excuse every behavior.
It gives us more information about what actually needs to change.
Roots Are a Pretty Good Metaphor
Nature has been demonstrating this concept forever.
Walk through a forest and most of what keeps it alive is happening somewhere you can't see.
Roots stretch beneath the soil.
Fungi form vast underground networks.
Seeds wait beneath the surface before anything green appears above them.
Water moves underground.
Nutrients cycle through soil.
The visible forest is only part of the forest.
What happens beneath the surface helps determine what can grow above it.
Humans aren't trees, obviously.
Although some mornings before coffee, the difference is debatable.
But the metaphor has lasted because it works.
Our visible behaviors and choices have roots too.
Ancient Stories Sent People Underground
Long before modern psychology gave us language for unconscious processes, human beings were telling stories about descending beneath the surface.
Myths around the world contain caves, wells, tombs, underground realms, dark forests, deep oceans, hidden chambers, and journeys into places ordinary people don't usually go.
Heroes and seekers descend into darkness and return carrying something they didn't have before.
Knowledge.
Wisdom.
Truth.
A treasure.
A changed understanding of themselves.
These stories came from very different cultures and traditions, so they shouldn't all be treated as though they meant exactly the same thing.
But the imagery is fascinating.
Human beings have been associating depth with mystery and hidden knowledge for a very long time.
To discover what isn't visible, you have to go looking.
Modern Psychology Has Its Own Version
Psychology doesn't require a torch and an entrance to the underworld, although admittedly that would make therapy considerably more dramatic.
But modern approaches to understanding behavior also recognize that we're not consciously aware of every process influencing us.
Habits can become automatic.
Expectations can influence how we interpret situations.
Previous experiences can affect what captures our attention.
Our brains make rapid judgments and predictions without providing us with a written report explaining how they arrived at them.
That means introspection can sometimes reveal patterns we weren't consciously noticing.
Not because there's always a giant buried secret waiting underneath everything.
Sometimes we simply haven't stopped long enough to connect the dots.
Ask Better Questions
Understanding what lies beneath often begins with better questions.
Instead of:
What's wrong with me?
Try:
What's happening with me?
Instead of:
Why am I so lazy?
Try:
What makes this task difficult for me to start?
Instead of:
Why am I overreacting?
Try:
What about this feels especially important or threatening?
Instead of:
Why do I always do this?
Try:
When does this usually happen?
Curiosity tends to uncover more useful information than judgment.
Judgment closes the case.
Curiosity keeps investigating.
Don't Dig Forever
There is, however, such a thing as digging too much.
Self-reflection can become rumination.
We can spend so much time asking why we feel something that we never actually do anything about it.
Not every decision requires an archaeological excavation of your childhood.
Sometimes understanding is useful.
Sometimes action is useful.
Usually we need some combination of both.
The purpose of looking beneath the surface isn't to live underground.
It's to bring something useful back up with you.
What We Find Isn't Always Comfortable
Looking underneath our own behavior can require a little courage.
Sometimes we discover that someone else hurt us.
Sometimes we discover that we hurt someone else.
Sometimes we realize a situation isn't working anymore.
Sometimes we recognize that the story we've been telling ourselves isn't completely accurate.
And sometimes we discover that we've been carrying something long after it stopped serving us.
Understanding doesn't automatically fix any of those things.
But it gives us somewhere real to begin.
Bring a Lantern
You don't have to understand every corner of yourself.
You probably never will.
Human beings are complicated creatures with memories, instincts, habits, emotions, contradictions, blind spots, hopes, fears, and brains that occasionally decide 2:14 in the morning is the perfect time to replay an embarrassing conversation from 1997.
There will always be another layer.
But when something keeps repeating, hurting, confusing, or getting in your way, it may be worth carrying a little light down there.
Ask what the feeling is telling you.
Ask what the habit is doing for you.
Ask when the pattern appears.
Ask what you need.
Ask whether the thing you're fighting on the surface might have roots somewhere deeper.
Because we can't change what we don't understand.
And sometimes the thing we most need to understand is hiding underneath the thing we can see.
So bring a lantern. ✨️💛
Woo-Woo Says:
Disclaimer: The information in this article is provided for educational and informational purposes only. It is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any medical or mental health condition and should not replace advice from a qualified healthcare professional.
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